Have you seen the new Batman yet? If not, go. Go now, I will forgive you for not reading the entire post until you come back. Yes, it was pretty great. You’re also right, Anne Hathaway was an odd choice. Anyways, I’m not going to write an entire post about the new Batman because I don’t think I could think of that many things to say. I would rather just have endless conversations about it with my sister and my friend Liam as well as weekly viewings of it. Will I make it to 10 theatre viewings of the movie like I did with the original LOTR? Maybe. Did I just admit that? Yes. The main reason I love the new Batman movie and why I am enjoying seeing it over and over is because of the new bad guy, Bane. Not only because he’s played by dreamboat Tom Hardy
Which by the way, he’s not super dreamy in Batman due to the fact he’s dressed like Bane and has about 3 times the amount of muscles that any human being should have. BUT his creepy dramatic voice/way of talking makes up for it. In the movie, and I can’t speak for anyone else, just myself, Bane is a total jerk that’ll rip off your arms and then play piano with them. I love Batman, but Bane is so much cooler. It’s such a weird feeling to be secretly cheering for the bad guy. But it’s not a new feeling, even as a kid sometimes the bad guys were a lot more fun than the hero. They’re crazy, they get to do what they want, their outfits are usually a little more exciting, they get to have a sweet cackle.
So without further ado, here’s my list of villains who stole the show.
Col. Hans Landa – Inglorious Basterds
Maaaybe my favourite villain of all time. HOW do you make a nazi likeable? It’s as difficult as putting on your own lid at Starbucks, you know that bitch ain’t stayin there. From the moment he’s on the screen he’s pure evil. Not like a lunatic evil, like cold, calculating, extremely clever, and worst of all – patient evil, which is probably the scariest type of evil. He’s over the top, incredibly well acted and somehow incredibly charismatic.
Abigail Craven – The Addams Family
Remember her? Fester’s mom from the Addams family? *Spoiler Alert* She isn’t really Fester’s mom. She’s a wicked lady who wants the Addams’ money so she tricks Fester into thinking he’s her son and uses him as muscle until she find out he looks like the missing Uncle Fester. I’m sure you know the rest of the story, if you don’t, then magic-mike* get yourself to an HMV and buy a copy then watch it. (*the words magic mike replaced holy-crap, let’s work on making this a saying) Anyways, she’s a huge jerk because the Addams’ family is so cute, and she just goes in and messes with it. She may look like a saucy Grandma, but watch out for her.
Maleficent – Sleeping Beauty
Ever since I was a little kid I thought she was cool. Maybe it’s the point hat or the green skin, or the fact that she’s got a crow as a henchman. I can’t exactly pin-point why I’ve always liked her. As far as evil goes, she put a curse on a baby. Why? Cause she wasn’t invited to a party. That’s the kind of bitchiness I can get behind.
Fernand Mondego – Count of Monte Cristo
This guy, this guy right here is one of the biggest jerks going. I hope you’ve seen this movie, I think when it came out not a lot of people knew about it, or it didn’t do very well, I can’t say for sure. What I can say is it’s a really good movie, and this bad guy isn’t the type you cheer for, he’s the type that you can’t wait for him to get what’s coming to him. There’s a lot of points in the movie where you just want to see him get punched in the face.
Jack Torrence – The Shining
The Shining is one of my all-time favourite movies. I love movies, obviously, but there are some that aren’t for watching over and over (example: The Life Aquatic, love this movie, but it makes me too sad to watch) the Shining is one of the movies, that I pretty much can put it in and watch at any point. It’s totally absorbing. There’s so much atmosphere in the movie that you just fall into it. I want to live in the hotel, bossy ghosts and all. I love the carpet, I love the paint colours, I love the clothing, I love the golden ball room, I love the red bathroom, it’s all over the top amazing. I digress, Jack Torrence, you bastard. Even before he becomes possessed **Spoiler Alert** He becomes possessed. He’s an asshole. Why did he break his kid’s arm? Why is he always being rude to Olive Oil, she just wanted to bring you a damn sandwich. The photo above pretty much sums up Jack, he’s bat-shit crazy, and he’s unhinged, and it’s really fun to watch.
Catwoman – Batman Returns
That cat cray. If you haven’t heard me go on and on about how much I love Michelle’s Pfiffer as Catwoman then you probably have never spoken to me. I had an afro I loved her so much when I was 8. I also had a sweet Catwoman shirt. She is the ultimate Catwoman who will never-ever-ever be matched. She’s sexy, she’s smart, she’s saucy, and she looks damn good in pleather. Remember the part where she blows up the department store for no reason? Awesome. Remember the part where she kills Christopher Walken’s character at the end by kissing him with a live wire between them? Brilliant. Michelle Pfiffer is so convincing as this character it should have taken home all the oscars in the 90s. Even the sound editing ones.
John Doe – Se7en
**HUGE SPOLIER ALERT** If you haven’t seen the movie Se7en shame on you! Also stop reading. Se7en is my favourite movie of all time. And it’s really hard to pick a favourite movie of all time when there’s so many good ones. Were you one of the lucky ones who didn’t know how this movie was going to end when you first saw it? It pretty much made my mind explode. John Doe is one of those bad guys that is so severely calm it’s terrifying. He’s also a freaking genius. What’s in the box? Wrath, that’s what. Bam! The acting, the character himself, the fact that you don’t even see him until the end of the movie, it’s movie-making at it’s finest.
The Joker- The Dark Knight
It’s definitely an obvious choice, Heath Ledger surprised EVERYONE with his performance of the Joker in the Dark Knight. My favourite parts were the clown shooting clown scene at the very beginning, the part where he shows us how to make a pencil disappear (that’s something you’ll never be able to un-see), and the part where he makes that cop go mental by describing how he killed his partner. He’s a different kind of evil, the kind that is evil for the sake of it. No goals, no motivation, just insane. What’s he gonna do next? You can never guess because he has no reasoning behind any of it. Unpredictable is a very unnerving kind of scary.
Bane – The Dark Knight Rises
Sooo my list is very Batman heavy. I can’t help it, Christopher Nolan is like Thomas Edison of film making. Let’s talk about Bane. **Spoiler Alert** if you haven’t seen this movie and you keep reading it’s your own damn fault. Okay so Bane. The opening scene with the airplane. How frigging awesome was that? I’m smiling just thinking about it. I’m purchasing a ticket to see this movie again right now without even knowing it.
UGGGHHH sooo badass. He snaps a lot of necks in this movie which is cool in a McGruber kind of way. Also remember the part with the bad dude where he tells Bane he’s working for him and then Bane puts his hand on his shoulder and asks him if he feels like he’s in control. HAH! So good!
Okay while I book an appointment to get my “I Love Bane” tattoo across my forehead
I expect you to add all the bad guys I missed/forgot on this list that deserve to be there. I know deep down I’m missing some important ones.